this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
