his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
