i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
