so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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