Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize