he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
