I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
