I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
