i think my tv is drunk
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
