Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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