Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
