i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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