Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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