how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
