Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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