I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
