He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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