You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
