Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
