I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
