I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
