She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
