i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
