final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
