Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
