its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
