my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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