The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It's blow job season.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
