I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We just shotgunned beers for America
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
