Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize