You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
