if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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