it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
