I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
