Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
