I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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