dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
