i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
