Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
