not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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