I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
