So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
