Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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