I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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