Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize