he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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