So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize