I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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