I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
