I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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