When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Randomize
