We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize