I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
