We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
